Speaking our Truths and Hearing
Where Words Come From
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Why this process of dialogue is needed
We Friends are diverse in our spiritual experiences and our opinions. In fact, Quaker meetings harbor as many varieties of experience and opinion as there are Friends.
In an effort to be respectful of each other, and to avoid conflict, we sometimes avoid talking about our diversity of experiences and opinions openly with other Friends. We may avoid speaking about things that we think may offend others or stir up trouble in the meeting. We may expect others to avoid bringing up certain things so as not to feel offended or troubled ourselves. When we hold back, we stifle our voices and the depth of our worship, and limit the vitality of our meetings.
Some of us do bring up uncomfortable subjects, but we may do so unskillfully, which complicate the problems rather than healing them. Even when we are skillful, we may not feel able to cope with the troubled feelings that may have been stirred up by our speaking out.
If we are troubled by the things other Friends say or do, we may engage in blaming them for our distress. Blame and hurt feelings are common responses to inward distress that is not well understood. Unfortunately, when we blame others, we contribute to a climate that is burdened by reaction, unease, distrust, and a loss of love.
When such issues arise in a meeting, it is often a sign that the meeting is ready to enter another developmental stage. Assistance can be helpful in creating more ease in the transition. Such issues can be viewed then, not as problems, but as opportunities to grow in maturity, and in love and compassion for each other. The meeting then can be transformed, and become more vital both in its shared life of the Spirit and its witness in the world.
Assumptions
This process is based on two assumptions: 1) that speaking our individual and communal experiences, in the language that comes authentically from that experience, enriches the whole meeting; and 2) that listening to the variety of experience present in our meetings, with ears ready to hear “where words come from,” likewise enriches us. Dialogue is not a conflict resolution or management technique, but a spiritual practice that makes it possible for us to hold each other in our hearts, to hear and appreciate the other’s experience, and to speak authentically and skillfully from one’s own experience.
When John Woolman met the Delaware man, Papunehang, he prayed in English. Papunehang is said to have laid his hand on Woolman’s heart and remarked in his own language, “I love to hear
where words come from.” In the spiritual practice of dialogue, we accompany each other as we open to new understandings of ourselves and the other. We make room, through this unique spiritual practice, for the Inward Teacher to work in the space that lies between us.
A Year of Accompaniment
Phase One: Merry and a companion in ministry begin accompanying the meeting by visiting, listening, and worshipping with individual Friends (and families, where indicated) in their own homes. Merry’s focus is on coming to a deep understanding of the Friend’s feelings and thoughts about the situation, giving the person a chance to feel heard, posing questions to help the Friend come to greater clarity about their own experience, and developing a Friendly relationship with each of the Friends who have a stake in the issue. A weekend is usually needed for each visitation, so that they can meet with as many Friends as possible, and also worship with the meeting on First Day. It is possible to meet with a maximum of four or five Friends during a visit that lasts from Friday evening through Sunday afternoon. Phase One may therefore take more than one visit, depending on the number of Friends in the meeting who desire an opportunity to meet in this way. Merry’s hope is to meet with each Friend who feels strongly about the issue, feels detached from the meeting due to the issue, and/or desires to help the meeting heal.
Phase Two: When all Friends desiring it have been visited, a weekend is set aside for a meeting retreat, facilitated by Merry, with accompaniment provided by a companion in ministry, and Peter Wood, her husband. The focus of the retreat first is on learning practical communication skills that have been used in the FGC Couple Enrichment Program to deepen dialogue. Reflective listening skills and a structure for speaking will be introduced and practiced. While some of these skills may be familiar to some, others will be new. The retreat will focus on helping Friends, through a series of queries, apply these skills to the issue that has been identified by the meeting.
Phase Three: Follow up with the meeting is accomplished through additional individual visits, as discerned and desired by the meeting, and a one-day retreat to review the skills and their impact on the life of the meeting.
Because each meeting is unique, this process may be adapted to the meeting’s needs, with the meeting’s consent. The meeting may also be referred to other traveling Friends for additional work in specific areas of meeting life.
Merry Stanford is a member of Red Cedar Monthly Meeting. She visits monthly meetings as invited, or under the auspices of the Traveling Ministry Program of Friends General Conference. She works as a psychotherapist and shamanic practitioner, and is a past presiding clerk of Lake Erie Yearly Meeting. Her husband, Peter Wood, and she lead Couple Enrichment retreats to assist couples in using the spiritual practice of dialogue to deepen their relationships.
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